RUGBY WORLD:  What’s your favourite joke?

GEORGE CHUTER:  Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other, “Do you know how to drive this thing?”

RW: Do you have  any nicknames?

GC:  Big Guy, Ace. Not really – it’s more Big Nose and Hooter.

RW: What’s your  guilty pleasure?

GC:  I’ve got a sweet tooth, so chocolate.

RW: Do you have any hidden talents?

GC:  I’m a really good dancer, but no one’s ever seen it. People do it for a living and I don’t want to make them feel bad.

Lift buddy: Mila Kunis

RW: What last made  you laugh?

GC:  Probably Dan Cole looking at bodybuilders on the internet. He’s trying to get tips.

RW: And what’s the  last thing that made you angry?

GC:  Being stuck behind a tractor on the way to training.

RW: Who are the  jokers at Leicester?

GC:  Julian Salvi and Thomas Waldrom are pretty funny, but they’re the butt of jokes; the jokees rather than jokers. Salvi keeps telling me he’s book smart, but he’s street stupid; he’s got no common sense.

RW: Any practical  jokes you can share?

GC:  A few years ago Lewis Moody and Seru Rabeni had a practical joke war that escalated and almost ended in hospitalisation. First Lewis took Seru’s socks, then Seru tied knots in all of Lewis’s clothes and Lewis threw Seru’s clothes in the bin. It continued going tit for tat in revenge. Luckily Seru’s in France now and Lewis has retired.

RW: What are your  bugbears?  

GC:  Having to mow my lawn. There’s a little strip of grass down the side of my house, 20ft long, and plugging in the mower and doing it is a pain in the arse. I’m just lazy.

RW: Who’d you like to  be stuck in a lift with?

GC:  Probably my wife, but she’s not here so (actress) Mila Kunis. I think she’d be quite good with her hands so could open the lid at the top of the lift. I’d just want to get out of there because it would be hot and stuffy.

RW: If you could have  one superpower, what  would it be and why?

GC:  Probably to have the power of laughter. (Cue laughing from RW). See, I’ve got it already.

RW: What’s the silliest  thing you’ve bought?

GC:  A swingball set. I used it and the ball broke off. It was rubbish – I was obviously too strong for it. It lasted 18 minutes – and I’d spent 17 minutes trying to get the thing in the floor. Thinking about it, I probably shouldn’t have set it up in the patio.

RW: Who would be your three dream dinner-party guests?

GC:  Skinny people so I could eat all the food. I might invite a few politicans and poison them. Actually, could I have 300 people? Then I could invite the whole of the House of Commons, lock the door and burn the house down! Then I’d have all the food too.

RW: Who’d play you in a film of your life?

GC:  Jonny Wilkinson. I’ve got a really good story to tell and I can’t think of anyone better to tell it. Otherwise Brad Pitt or the guy playing Alfie, Mickey Rourke.

RW: What’s the funniest thing you’ve heard on the pitch?

GC:  I was playing for Saracens against Swansea in about ‘98 and there was a bit of a scuffle for some reason. Paul Arnold, their second-row, pushed me away and said, “F*** off back to Nose City.” I like people to be more creative with their nose humour, but I really appreciate Monty Python so I couldn’t say anything back.

RW: What would be  your specialist subject on Mastermind? 

GC:  Star Wars. I’m a big sci-fi fan and I appreciate the storylines.

RW: What would you like to achieve outside of rugby?

GC:  World peace. Shoot for the stars or you may as well not bother.

RW: How would you like to be remembered?

GC:  Probably not by this interview. I’m a lot funnier in person.

This article appeared in the June 2012 issue of Rugby World.